I wanted to talk about my experience becoming a mother of two instead of a mother of one. I think my experience and thoughts are common amongst mothers adding a child to their family (at least generally).
Before I gave birth to Samuel, I had the following thoughts:
1. Will I love him as much as I love Jackson? Will I be able to love him as much as I love Jackson?
2. Will Jackson feel slighted by my attentions being given to another child?
3. How will I manage and cope with two needy (but for different reasons) children?
4. Will I be able to sleep? Will I be able to work?
5. Seeing as how my husband must go back to Australia for an undetermined amount of time and I essentially will be a single parent until he gets back, how will I be able to cope with the 24/7 job of full time parenting? (I knew that I had no choice, BUT to cope...I was worried about HOW)
I think at least the first three questions are common questions most mothers (and fathers) of one going on two ask themselves before the big day. And I hoped I knew the answers, but wouldn't really know for sure until I went through it.
So, Samuel was born, and YES I loved him more than anything else in the world. It was like my heart doubled it's size and I loved him as equally as I loved Jackson. I didn't understand how. It just happened. You never realize how much love your heart can actually hold until you become a mother...again and again.
I do find myself comparing Samuel to Jackson. I realize they are two separate people, but I guess that's the curse of the second child. Jackson smiled when he was 5 weeks; Samuel smiled when he was 4 weeks. Jackson's umbilical cord fell off when he was 5 days; Samuel's fell off when he was 1 month. Jackson slept through the night at 9 weeks; Samuel slept through the night at 5 weeks. Jackson weighed 10 lbs when he was 2 months old; Samuel weighed 10 lbs when he was 1 month. Jackson cluster fed most evenings between 3 and 6 weeks. Samuel has only cluster fed once. I remember being a lot more tired when Jackson was this age... and it goes on and on and on. And it will probably continue.
Next worry (and a valid one at that)...will Jackson feel slighted? I sure hoped not. The first time he met Samuel I was both nervous and excited. He did fine. And has done fine ever since. He loves his brother so much and seeing them together makes my heart glad. Jackson sings to Samuel, rocks him, holds him, smiles at him, kisses and hugs him, shows him toys, and generally SMOTHERS the poor baby. Samuel used to cringe every time Jackson came near (maybe I should have worried more about Samuel), but is getting more used to Jackson. He now watches Jackson and smiles at him.
Jackson has never gotten overly jealous of when I need to feed or take care of Samuel's needs. He seems to be comfortable in his skin (plus he is enjoying finding his independence...and that's a whole other blog post). But I do make a conscious effort to spend what spare time I have with Jackson - I will leave laundry, dishes and practicing till later in order to play with my precious toddler. I make sure I am home every night to tuck him in. I don't bring Samuel in with me when I wake Jackson up or put him to bed. And it means that sometimes Samuel has to cry for a couple of minutes (of course his basic needs are taken care of and never for long). And I think Jackson realizes that in these times HE Is being put first. It sure makes for a demanding day from the moment my eyes open till the minute they close at night (and beyond). If it isn't one, it is the other, and sometimes it is both (I have been tag-teamed at night before). And when it rains it pours...it seems they share a brain at times - pooping at the same time, getting hungry at the same time...
I won't lie. It is difficult. It is time consuming. And I have NO...let me repeat...NO time for myself. It is rare that I even get a shower or go to the toilet by myself. Sometimes this really gets to me. It is in these times when I have to close just my eyes and breathe. Because this is temporary. And I don't want to make the mistake of wishing it away.
So, I believe because Jackson knows what he can expect, he doesn't feel slighted at all. In fact, I believe he feels proud of his "big brother" status. This, however, doesn't stop me from worrying about it.
Yes, I can cope with the needs of two children. When Jackson came along I had to learn the art of patience. (Anyone who knew me prior to parenthood knows that patience wasn't one of my fortes...) But with two? Double patience. Knowing how to prioritize; knowing important vs. urgent... and which one takes precedence. No, it's not easy and yes, I've made mistakes. I've chose laundry over reading a book to Jackson. And then I've had to face the aftermath of that quivering little chin and the little boy fighting back his tears of disappointment. It's in those moments I grow...I learn how to be a better mother.
Will I be able to sleep? Sometimes. Not as much as I'd like, but I'm surprisingly not as tired as I thought I'd be. Maybe my body is just used to it. Samuel is a great baby and a great sleeper. He consistently does 4 - 5 hour stretches AT LEAST at night. Jackson did 1.5 - 3 hours until he started sleeping though. And he wasn't consistent. But with Jackson (see here I go comparing again), he would go back down easily and ALWAYS fall asleep after nursing (it was my secret weapon). With Samuel, it is opposite. Nursing wakes him up and he is a bear to get back down usually taking an hour until I am back in bed myself. I occasionally nap - no more than 30 minutes if at all. It is hard to sleep when baby sleeps when there is a toddler running around. When Jackson is at daycare, I am working. And when all three of us are home together, if I am lucky, Samuel will decide to sleep during Jackson's naptime, too, giving me an opportunity to nap as well. This is rare. In fact, as I write this and Jackson naps, Samuel is contentedly sitting in his bouncy chair looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes. *melt*
Will I be able to work? This was a big one for me. I need income. Duh. Everyone does. With Jackson (ahem...comparing again), he would just sit in my sling and I would teach. I easily worked with him and he never caused a problem. I was only hoping that Samuel would be that cooperative. Lucky me... he is! I am doing all the same things I did in the fall, only wearing Samuel on the outside instead of incubating him on the inside. Phew! That was lucky! Because I don't know what I would have done.
**Side note: Granted, 6 hours of carrying an 11 lb baby on the front of me does leave me with a sore neck, back and shoulders. But that is way better than an empty bank account!
And finally, how will I cope with being a temporary single parent? This isn't all true...we are living with my parents until David returns so there is an extra set of arms nearby. However, it is tax season and my dad is an accountant. He is working extra long hours and he rarely gets home before the boys go to bed. And my mother is a school teacher AND finishing up her Master's degree. If you know my mother, you know she doesn't do her work...well...fast. She stresses over every dotted i and crossed t. She is very busy. She does play with, bathe and feed Jackson on Tuesday and Wednesday nights while I am work. And she brings him boboballs on Saturday mornings - it is a Nana/Jackson thing. So if I were desperate, I might be able to recruit some help. But generally, I am left to my own devices. And to be honest, I don't particularly feel comfortable asking for help. My parents have already raised children. These boys are my responsibility. I am happy to have Mom and Dad close though. There's nothing like knowing you have a support network around to get you through the hard times! But back to the question at hand...
I think back to when Jackson first came along and how big of an adjustment that was. I had never experienced sleep deprivation like that (and Jackson wasn't a bad sleeper). I often complained I couldn't get things done because he constantly wanted to be held. I took a shower while Jackson watched from outside of it. We sang songs while I put on my makeup. I slept when baby slept. But once we got into a routine, our altered life became the norm. So why shouldn't I expect the same to happen eventually with the addition of Samuel? Already it is getting easier. Samuel is a great sleeper. Samuel doesn't like to be held as much as Jackson did. In fact, there are times he would prefer not to be touched and is content to sit in his bouncer and check things out. That is horribly helpful! And I can successfully give both boys a bath at the same time - Jackson first in the tub and Samuel in the baby tub on the sink while Jackson plays in the tub. Sometimes we all three eat breakfast at the table at the same time - Jackson in his high chair and me eating with one hand while breastfeeding Samuel with the other. I have played around with the morning schedule until I found the best routine for getting us all up, ready, and fed so that we could head out the door and be on time. I know I need to wake up 2 hours before our estimated departure. I know clothes need to be laid out the night before. I know if I pull my car into the garage when I go down to make all the pre-breakfast arrangements, it will be mostly thawed, de-iced and ready to go by the time we need to leave. I know how to carry a diaper bag, a work bag, a baby carrier and a toddler out to the car (or into church or into a restaurant) at the same time by myself. As we find our routine, life is becoming easier..for all of us.
I am proud of myself for being able to cope with the change, and virtually by myself. I feel like a good and capable mother. But I also cannot wait till David's return - both for myself and for the kids.
To all of you new mothers of two...it is worth it. Yes, your life is BUSY. Yes, you are up to your elbows in diapers. Yes, days all blur together. Yes, you are tired. BUT...it gets better. It gets easier. And you should be proud of yourself.
There is no where I'd rather be than with these two little boys. I am blessed.
Now...off to wake up Jackson. Let the evening festivities begin! It's Tuesday...laundry day...and I'm off to work in an hour and half!
No comments:
Post a Comment